More About Zudie - Preschool and Speech Therapy

It's a lovely evening, warm and quite windy so that the trees outside are rustling very relaxingly. The kids are asleep and Abuzein just went to work the night shift. I should go to bed really as I am pretty knackered but I don't feel sleepy.

Zudie is improving a lot these days, in his speech and language as well as general behaviour. Speech therapy has really helped a lot I think. We've been to 5 sessions already and he has started to interact a bit with the therapist and give her a bit of eye contact as well as taking part a little bit in the 'turn-taking' games although not really the 'saying hello to the toys' game at the beginning. The advice she gives for activities to do with him at home are really useful and we've been putting in some intensive work with Zudie which is really showing benefits, alhamdulillah. His speech is a lot clearer and his use of language is more correct and in context now, although still not like that of other 4-5 year olds. He knows most of the colours now although still confuses them sometimes. He will sometimes use pronouns correctly now, and quite often says "I" instead of "he". I think he mostly says "I don't want it" instead of "he doesn't want it" which he used to say when referring to himself, for example. He will also sometimes say "you" appropriately. There's still a way to go though.

I've been trying to write down examples of his language use, because my mind usually goes blank whenever I'm asked about it at our appointments with the professionals. As I am still trying to teach him the colours (we've been working on it for at least 2 years), he can now answer my question "what colour is this?" or "what colour is Thomas?". Whether he gets the answer right is immaterial to me, just understanding the question and saying the name of a colour is progress, as he would often reply just "colour". Now he is trying to copy me by asking the question "what colour is......?(this, or Mr Happy, or whatever). But what he actually says is "what's this is green?". Some variations are: "whose James is red?" "where's Herbies is orange?" - and today, "whose green is yellow?" So his problem with processing language is fairly obvious.

One of the 'speech and language' experts came to the preschool to observe him. She had a few tries at talking to him but he either ignored her or turned away saying "no, no". But she did discreetly observe me talking to him and him answering so she was able to write something in her notes. She also saw how he freaked out a bit when a spot of paint got on his hand. When I spoke to her later it emerged that she thought he was three, so I had to tell her that actually he is nearly five. That was a bit depressing. I also got totally peed off talking to one of the preschool assistants later who made it clear that she didn't think he had a problem at all, except for being the son of a neurotic mother. I suppose they are a bit surprised that I haven't left Zudie (or Boudie, who attends as well) at the preschool except for 15 minutes at a time lurking in the hall listening out for him, in case he has a meltdown cos he can't see me. They haven't seen him in screaming meltdown mode and if I'm really careful about making sure he's settled before I leave him for a full session, they never will insha'Allah - even though that will make them think I've got munchausen-by-proxy or something. The assistant also expressed the view that Zudie has improved so much since starting at the preschool 6 weeks ago, implying that it is all because of finally getting away from (S)mother even if only for 15 minutes. I started to try and set her straight but gave up because what's the point? She's obviously too dim to realise that he hasn't actually changed that much, he's just being more himself cos he's getting used to the preschool.

Anyway the SALT person said she really wasn't sure whether he is on the autistic spectrum or just has a severe language delay. I can't help feeling the tiniest bit frustrated that my son, who is read to and spoken to far more than any other kids I know, should have this particular problem which is so often seen as a result of parental neglect. I know so many parents who barely speak to their sprogs except to say "get up" "shut up" "eat it" "go to bed" - and their kids are still as chatty and outgoing as you could want. Well alhamdulillah for everything, his problems are miniscule compared with some kids I have seen, and I have to lift myself up a bit by thinking that without the attention we try to give him he might be worse.

I would be glad to know for sure that he doesn't have ASD, but I wonder about the little obsessions he has and the habit he has of holding objects at funny angles and staring at them, holding his cars or trains or whatever right up to the corner of his eyes and looking at them; and the way he gets so absorbed with lining up his toys and having a screaming fit if the line is broken by anyone. Not to mention the fact that it is impossible to get him to wear anything other than 2 particular pairs of trousers and one smelly pair of trainers without socks (I know some people think I should just MAKE him but believe me I have tried and it's not worth it). He has got less fussy about t-shirts now and will mostly wear any short-sleeved t-shirt (definitely no long sleeves unless they're pyjamas and it's bedtime). It's possible that he just has a few of these autistic characteristics without actually having Autistic Spectrum Disorder. Only time will tell. I can definitely say that after a peak when he was about 3-4, his autistic-type behaviours seem to be lessening. I hope it continues like this, insha'Allah. I am thinking that it might be because his confidence has increased as his language skills have improved.

I have to confess that we had some really bad wobbles over the past year. I know it is not really pc to use the word 'handicapped' now, but I'm going to say it anyway - a few times over the past year I looked at him and thought, oh my God he's a handicapped child, he's never going to be normal. The worst times were when trying to explain something to him and he would just refuse to look at me and open his mouth and scream. It was quite scary knowing that I just could not get through to him, that nothing I was saying was getting through to him, he wasn't understanding a word. Up until then, until he reached the age of four, I could regard him as still a 'toddler' that you couldn't expect to reason with or make understand why he couldn't have something or go somewhere that he particularly wanted. When Zudie reached his fourth birthday his younger brother was 2 and a half and starting to be very communicative and cooperative, so the difference was really apparent. Thank God, thank God, it seems that it was just a stage Zudie was going through and he is much better now. He will often accept it now when I tell him he can't have something immediately, but he can have it later. I think that at the age of 4 he was really more like an 18 month old in his understanding, but now, nearly a year later, he's more like a 3 year old.

What a long post! At last that sleepy feeling is creeping over me, and I must go to bed.

Zudie Update May 2008

The good news is we finally got some speech therapy for Zudie, a block of 6 sessions. Boudie comes along too, as the therapist says he is a good 'model' for what she wants Zudie to say and do. We've had 2 sessions so far, and I have to carry out her suggestions throughout the week. So far we've worked on taking turns (a major problem for Zudie), and greetings, which he is totally opposed to on principle, although he is happy enough to say 'goodbye' to everyone. He spends a lot of time under the chair at the speech therapists office, and shouting 'No!' if Mum starts singing (little salafi lol). He hasn't joined in much so far but at least I am picking up lots of useful advice and insights - it was Meredith who recommended the book More Than Words and who photocopied a lot of it for me. I do find it a bit bizarre the way she speaks in a high-pitched, sing-song voice but I suppose she knows her business. If I attempted that Zudie would pinch me and dig his nails in till I bled, he hates me to change the tone of my voice or raise it or sound too happy or excited about anything.

One of the other professionals we saw sent me a huge book of Social Stories (photocopied which must have taken ages, God bless her). Actually I find the 'early readers' (Oxford Reading Tree eg) also very useful for Zudie, very simple and direct sentances that seem to help him learn how to use verbs and pronouns. He loves them and repeats after me. He seems to need to hear things about a million times before he can relate them to other situations; although he says things or repeats things sometimes I don't think he really knows what he's saying half the time.

Both Zudie and Boudie went along to preschool for a couple of afternoons, and Boudie seemed to love it. Zudie stuck close to me the whole time of course and didn't interact with the other children at all although he joined Boudie in playing with some trains and track for a while. at 2pm the teacher makes all the children sit down at tables and then one of the children doles out juice and a biscuit - she got Boudie to do it on the 2nd day and he loved it. However after juice they have to stay in their chairs for ages (nearly half an hour) while she holds up pictures and cards and asks them questions, which I thought was a bit too long for that age group (most of them are 3). Boudie was bored of course and Zudie was fit to be tied so I had to leave. I will carry on for a few weeks, I doubt if I will be able to leave them there, or not Zudie anyway. They are all nice ladies at the preschool but after all these years home-educating my mindset has totally changed and I found it a bit disturbing that all these 3 year olds were taken from hearth and home and left there to begin the process of institutionalisation which will continue through primary school and secondary until they either go to uni or join the world of work. Couldn't they just have a few more years of carefree play? It's much more sensible to stay at home till at least 7, which is what the Europeans do (or so I am always told).

Got a phone call yesterday from a Clinical Psychologist who said Zudie had been referred to them by the Paediatrician. There still is no decision about whether to diagnose Zudie as ASD or not, they offered us an appointment in about 4 weeks and said they also wanted to observe him in preschool 'when he has settled in' which privately I don't think he ever will but as ever I am willing to be proved wrong.

Birthdays

My second eldest sister is 52 today! It's a bit scary that time is flying by so fast, but also quite reassuring that being 50+ isn't as elderly as it used to be - Bobbie is embarking on a new business venture and has also just started a college course. I turned 40 myself on my last birthday, which was surprisingly untraumatic - maybe because of having 4 older sisters who are aging very well lol, masha'Allah. I don't really feel any worse than I did as a teenager or a twentysomething, in fact I feel lots better, alhamdulillah, much happier and more tranquil.

Of course being a Muslim is the main reason for that, although having kids also has contributed to my contentment. I suffered from depression a lot in my twenties, but never since becoming a Muslim have I had a bad depression. Alhamdulillah - all praise and thanks belongs to God.

Well it's good for me to reflect at the moment that being a mother has also been such a hugely positive thing in my life. Just at the moment the kids are being incredibly trying, especially Zudie. It seems impossible for him to understand that I cannot immediately bring him whatever he asks me for - so for example he wants his toy 'racing car', and he calls out "Mama, racing car". I don't know where his racing car is but I tell him to come with me and we'll look for it - which we do, unsuccessfully.
"I'm sorry Zudie I can't find it."
"Racing car."
"I don't know where your racing car is."
"Racing car."
"Sorry Zudie I can't find it."
"Racing car."
By now he is crying and shouting repeatedly "racing car." If I walk away he will continue to shout after me "Mama, mama, racing car." He can do this for an indefinite period. I mean literally hours. I will end up with palpitations and the shakes from the effort of remaining calm.
I can't possibly allow myself to become angry or shout at him because he does not understand at all and it is not his fault. Distraction would be a good idea, except to mention any other toy, or a DVD that he loves, or a storybook he usually enjoys, will make him hysterically angry and he will either hit me or throw something at me or across the room.
Neither does he understand the concept of waiting for anything. If he asks me for juice when I'm busy, telling him "Wait a minute" gets either monotonous repetition of his request until it's fulfilled or sometimes tears or hysteria if he's feeling particularly impatient.
On a positive note, lately he has been really enjoying drawing pictures and copying out letters and numbers. He amazed me one day by coming to sit beside me with his pencil and paper, and then writing his name almost perfectly! turned out his dad had just written it for him to copy, but he was able to turn the page and write it again. masha'Allah. That is completely different from his older brother, who even at 9 years old never writes anything voluntarily.