Don't Let Go of the Rope

Zudie Update September 2011

2011-09-25T09:38:00.000+01:00

It's been a very eventful year for Zudie. Exactly a year ago, September 2010, he started at a special school for moderate learning difficulties (MLD), a school which is transitioning to being an autism specialist provision from next year. On paper, and on first inspection, the school seemed fine. Adequate, I thought, reasonably good. The local authority had at the last minute suggested Zudie attend a mainstream school "with support", and then demonstrated why dealing with them has been so frustrating over the years by withdrawing their suggestion once I had provisionally agreed. I had made it clear to them that the "support" for Zudie should be SEN qualified, possibly that's what made them change their minds. In my experience special needs classroom assistants have no qualifications (in anything, let alone SEN or general education) and minimum training/support and their wages is pitifully low. Of course there are some people who do a wonderful job despite all this but when it comes to my kids' education I have no intention of crossing my fingers and hoping for the best.

So Zudie started at this school, and he was supposed to have a "gradual and supported integration". I took him to school for the first week and was provided transport there and back (taxi). He also had his ABA tutors with him for some of the time. In the second week we were encouraged to get him used to travelling on the school bus. The bus escort was (is) an absolutely lovely lady, very kind and affectionate and sympathetic. So that did help, and he was able to travel by bus with a minimum of fuss. Unfortunately once he arrived at school the atmosphere was less caring/supportive. The "gradual and supported integration" went by the wayside as the school seemed as keen to get everyone supporting Zudie out of the classroom as quickly as possible. I was very conscious that the class teacher and even more so the classroom assistants found it a strain having us around. I tried not to get involved in the class too much and just be sitting in a corner where Zudie could see me and be reassured. The ABA tutors I think were encouraged to do the same. When the teaching staff suggested I leave the classroom for short periods I agreed, keen to co-operate with the experts. It all sounded reasonable to me, after all we were only there in the very short term (we had been given a 4 week transition plan for Zudie). In the event we were only tolerated for 2 & a half weeks. The school decided that Zudie was doing so well that it was in his best interests to withdraw the extra support in double-quick time. I hadn't gone back after the first week, I wasn't really welcome and I was made to feel my presence was a hindrance to Zudie's progress. Zudie's ABA tutors were dismissed in a similar fashion, so that after two and a half weeks he was expected to manage full-time at school without any familiar faces to reassure him or give him confidence. Unfortunately he hadn't bonded at all with any of the classroom assistants or the teacher, in fact he expressed extreme dislike of all of them. He did like one of the lunchtime supervisers, who was quite a caring person and who spoke kindly to him, and similarly a teaching assistant from another class, with whom he had a little interaction, took his fancy and he became attached to her.

There was a brief period, in about weeks 3-5 of his school career, when Zudie appeared content to be going to school. During this period he would get dressed in the morning and go down to the waiting school bus with only a perfunctory protest, and on arrival home he was cheerful. Those were optimistic times! My eldest had started at secondary, my youngest was in Year 1, they were all in school, all day (9-3.30), for the first time ever! A serious amount of housework was done, also for the first time ever! Plans were made, driving lessons were begun and OU courses applied for. It was exhilerating, the hours of freedom between 9am and 3.30pm. Unheard of, at least for the 11+ years since the first one was born and the shackles of motherhood were put on. Well there are worse shackles and worse jobs in the world, but for loss of freedom nothing beats motherhood because of the 24/7 aspect of it, especially when the childrearing is 99.9% on one pair of shoulders.

Enough of that! I love being a mum and don't bear any resentment towards the kids, only occasionally at the lack of practical help from dad and grandma.

Things began to fall apart for Zudie even before the first half-term holiday. One day he came home very upset, saying that Phoebe had shouted at him (one of the teaching assistants). He perseverated on this all evening, alternately crying and getting angry about it, saying he hated school, he hated Phoebe, he hated Lyndsay (class teacher), he didn't want to go to school. Next morning it was extremely difficult to get him dressed and out the door. I wrote a note in the home/school diary, asking them to go easy on the tellings-off until he was more settled in. I did get a reply saying that Zayd had deliberately thrown one of the toys on the floor and had been told firmly not to do that. They made it sound so very neutral but having spent time in the classroom I could just see that sour-faced assistant rapping out the words and Zayd being intimidated and losing what little confidence he had. I tried not to think about it too much, but I had been struck by the utter lack of human feeling shown to the children by the teaching assistants, the teacher was gentle enough but the overall impression was of 3 automatons who didn't particularly care for any of the children but had a schedule to implement and boxes to tick and were determined to see it through every day. I'm possibly a little too mushy myself, but I had absolutely fallen in love with the children in the class and was taken aback that the other adults didn't seem to have any genuine love or even liking for them. I don't know if that's because of maternal feelings, if I would have been the same before I had kids......? I know that none of those women did have children, and it's perhaps significant that the people Zudie did bond with, the bus escort and the lunchtime superviser, were mothers.

From then on, Zudie started to cry and protest before going to school, and he also cried when he came home, sometimes for hours. It was sometimes possible to distract him for short periods of time but he would always return to the theme of school and how he didn't want to go, and how he hated Phoebe. He drew pictures of Phoebe, a sad or frightened looking Phoebe with himself in pursuit, eyebrows drawn together and a grim smile on his face. He drew pictures of the school on fire. It was difficult and upsetting for everyone, even at weekends Zudie would cry and perseverate about school, even at half term and over the Christmas holidays. I kept the school informed via the home/school diary, but they rarely replied. There was supposed to be a meeting with the class teacher to discuss progress in October, but that was cancelled. The parents meeting at the end of term was also cancelled. The class teacher repeatedly told me everything was fine at school, but I heard a different story from the lunchtime superviser, I heard that Zudie cried often and told her he wanted to go home.

Of course my main anxiety was that Zudie wasn't settling in, wasn't even reluctantly tolerating school (like his younger brother) never mind enjoying it. But that wasn't the only problem. The quality of education he was receiving, that all of the children were receiving, seemed extremely poor. There was no teaching going on as far as I could ascertain. From my observations during the week spent in the classroom, there were a number of tables in the room of different colours, the children were instructed in their schedule which table to go to and in which order, and each table had different kinds of activities. So, for example, the blue table was for literacy. When the child's schedule showed that a visit to the blue table was required, they went there and sat down and took out their work tray and did the activities which had been put there earlier by the class teacher. Zudie's activities were mostly matching word labels - a labelled picture, say of animals, and velcro-backed cards with the word labels printed again, and he would have to put the cards on top of the label. This was ridiculously simple for Zudie, and his ABA supervisor told the teacher as much on the first day, in a nice way (he said it was fine as a settling-in activity). It suited the teaching staff to have activities that didn't stretch the children, it was called "learning to work independently" and they preferred not to have any interaction with the children while they worked. I did see one little boy struggling with what to do and one of the teaching staff expressing impatience with him "come on you know what to do!" which did cut me to the quick. Poor little Krish, so adorable, friendly and eager! Of course they were always patient and nice to Zudie while I was there, but then they would be, wouldn't they? There were other activities as well like playing in the sand or with toys buried in a jelly-like substance (to encourage the children with sensory difficulties). I had tried to emphasise to the teacher that after six months of ABA, not to mention the 3 years of learning alphabet and phonics before that, Zudie could read a little and was motivated to learn further, and he could write his name and age as well as his brothers'. In fact while I was talking to the teacher about it Zudie obligingly wrote on a piece of paper "Zudie is 6 and (his surname)". His letter formation was unsatisfactory and needed work, I mentioned as an aside (not in front of him!), assuming that this was an activity any school would be bound to undertake with a 6 year old of Zudie's abilities. I had been a bit disheartened to find out that "reading", as illustrated on Zudie's schedule by a stick boy holding a book, simply meant taking a book from the book box and sitting down with it, looking at the pictures and turning the pages - again, each child did this in isolation and without any input from any teaching staff. On one occasion, Zudie was at the yellow table doing a staff-led activity which involved making (ie sticking 3 prepared pieces of card together) masks of characters from a book. I watched how the TA did this activity, with each of the children in rotation as they took their turn at her table. First she held up the book and read the few words on each page. then she introduced her cardboard characters and showed the child how to put it together, using tape I think, and helped them to the extent they needed it. When it was Zudie's turn, she held up the book and turned to the first page, in the pause before she started to read Zudie started to sound out the words - unbelievably, she stopped him! She brushed aside his intervention and read it herself, briskly. Most of the interactions between the teaching staff and the children seemed to follow a similar course - brisk, adult-led and adult-centred. But still, if Zudie could have been happy there I would have been overlooked this shortcoming and filled in the educational gaps at home.

Unfortunately it just got worse after half-term, he sobbed hysterically in the mornings and upset all of us, sometimes his younger brother would start crying and refusing to go to school as well. By the time I put Zudie on the school bus my nerves were in pieces, I would be left shaking and tearful myself. I always tried to talk positively about school with him but it didn't help.

The school was due to move in November 2011 to a new site, which is only a 5 minute walk from our home. Since no-one at the school was able or willing to help us in any way with Zudie's school phobia I came up with a plan which I put to his teacher at Zudie's annual review in February. After explaining that I was really at the end of my tether and didn't know what else to do, I suggested that Zudie might find it easier to settle in if the school day was shorter, so it might be a good idea for him to do half days at school and have afternoon tuition at home. The move in November might be a good opportunity to make the transition back to full days.

I could see at once that Lyndsay wasn't keen. She said that the local authority would never allow it, which took me aback. I said I would ask them anyway. I didn't really share her opinion, I thought I had I could make a good case for it. I left the meeting and wrote the next day to the local authority. After a couple of weeks when I still hadn't had a reply I phoned the placement officer at the SEN department and left a message. Eventually they got back to me. They refused my request on the grounds that the school did not agree to it! In fact they did not even acknowledge Zudie's unhappiness and school refusal as a major problem, and said he was fine when in school. I began to see the teacher in a different light. Sympathetic and caring to my face, but in reality conniving and deceitful and worst of all primarily concerned with her school and not my child's welfare. Dim as I am, I did not at that stage realise that telling the local authority how unhappy Zudie was at school would be inferred as severe criticism of the school by both the school and the LA. The school would have to defend itself at all costs - the cost in this instance being my reputation as a parent and Zudie's chance of ever settling in at school. Thereafter I believe the school painted me as unreasonable and neurotic and the LA was quite willing to accept this, given that the alternative would involve admitting that they were getting things wrong, and putting them right - far too much work! So I had to be put firmly in the wrong.

I must have had some inkling of this even at that stage, since I didn't lay emphasis on the school's shortcomings, but merely made it a particlar problem of Zudie, that he was finding it hard to settle for his own reasons and would benefit from having half days until he felt secure. Unfortunately, frustratingly, any kind of mention of Zudie's "insecurity" or his failure to bond (HIS failure!) with any of the teaching staff in the classroom, the class teacher seemed to take personally. It's very hurtful, even now, to think of the extent to which my child's needs were disregarded, because the school couldn't even cope with the suggestion that there was a better way to do things for my son, and the local authority backed them to the hilt.

There was an extraordinary meeting at the school which was attended by the class teacher, the head teacher, and a local authority representative on one side, and myself and my sister on the other. At that stage I had given up sending Zudie to school. When the class teacher trotted out her lies about Zudie having settled in well and being perfectly happy in school, I said - unwisely but I couldn't help it - that the lunchtime superviser told me he cried a lot and was very unhappy. The head teacher's reaction was stupefying. She jumped out of her chair shouting "who was it? give me her name and I'll sack her!". She claimed she was angry because the lunchtime superviser hadn't told anyone about a child being upset and crying, and she should have. But of course it was as plain as her face that she was angry that the lady in question wasn't toeing the party line and singing from the same hymnsheet.

When the local authority representative summed up the meeting, she ignored all the comments made by myself and my sister and said that Zudie had obviously settled in well at school and she agreed with the school that it was a suitable placement for him, and they would see how the home visit went (I had agreed to a home visit from another local authority person, one who was an autism education specialist) and take it from there. Although I objected to her conclusions I was happy enough that she wasn't saying Zudie had to be returned to school.

Now it's September 2011 and Zudie still isn't back at school, he is being educated at home and making progress in every area, and he's much happier too which is the most important thing. His name is still on the register at the school which I am extremely unhappy about, I did request that they remove it but the local authority has refused, until such time as they can inspect the education he's getting at home and be satisfied that it is meeting his needs. If only they had been taken as much trouble over his school education! I asked them back in July to please hurry up and come and inspect us but I still haven't heard. No doubt the school is getting funding on his behalf in the meantime!

For an eight year old he is behind in his language development, and he is still stark naked at home as he hates wearing clothes; he has other sensory issues too, and he gets easily frustrated mostly for unfathomable reasons, so there is still some traces of autism but overall he's doing brilliantly masha'Allah. He is intelligent for sure, only that he learns differently and needing more effort and repetition than most other children. Sometimes he surprises me with his insight. For example, last Easter he lost a tooth and got excited about the tooth fairy - not something I would tend to encourage but he saw it on Peppa Pig. So he was asking me "if I put this tooth under my pillow will the tooth fairy come and take it, and will she put money?" (oh the language development, the complex sentence structure, absolutely glorious and unhoped for, thanks be to God!). So I was distracted and unenthusiastic besides ("hmm? oh yes, yes, I suppose...."), which he picked up on. Finally he said "if I put this tooth under my pillow will you take it and put money.....?"). So I was absolutely thrilled that he completely understood the process without being told or having it explained to him, wherever that came from I don't know, I never told him about the tooth fairy but neither did I ever tell him that the tooth fairy doesn't exist! But he worked it out for himself.

At the dentist a few weeks ago, he had an anaesthetic injection and we were sent down to the waiting room to wait for it to take effect. He told me it felt funny, and I was trying to explain about anaesthetic, while he touched his cheek curiously with his finger. "is it like a force field?" he asked.......priceless! "Yes, JUST like a forcefield" I said delightedly. My clever boy masha'Allah.

Making a Decision about Zoudie's Schooling - 07/10

2010-07-02T13:56:00.003+01:00

My placement officer at the local authority has written to me saying that since Zoudie is doing so well with the ABA home program, I may want to consider a placement at a mainstream school with the support of an ABA tutor. It would involve a very gradual integration, with Zoudie attending for perhaps one hour a day or a couple of afternoons a week to start with, and progress at a pace to suit him.

It sounds on the face of it to be a reasonable proposition. I am constantly hearing that children with special education needs are better off in a mainstream setting with "appropriate support" (the definition of appropriate seems a bit vague to me). I do have reservations though. He has a placement starting in September at a reasonably good specialist school for children with moderate learning difficulties. I've met his teacher and we know that he will be in a class of just five children which sounds good.

Classes at the local mainstream school have 28-30 kids and one teacher plus a general teaching assistant. Another consideration is that because of his month of birth (July) Zoudie would be among the oldest of his classmates. From enquiries I've made before to the education authorities, I know that they prefer to keep children within age-appropriate year groups and make no exceptions for children who may be behind their peers academically. And Zoudie is behind his peers, despite the progress he is making with the ABA. He is behind with his cognitive abilities and understanding of language by up to 2 years. I'm not sure how it would affect his confidence to be in a classroom with peers who are 2 years ahead academically while being the same age or younger. I would prefer him to be with the year group lower to him (which would mean him starting year 2 in September, still very daunting given he is slightly behind his younger brother who is due to start Year 1 in September. Of course there would be one-to-one support for Zayd, and this would initially be an ABA tutor who is closely supervised by an ABA expert, maybe for a couple of terms or even a year if we were lucky. But I feel sure that eventually we'd have to shift for ourselves with the usual kind of one to one support offered to SEN children - minimum wage employees of variable quality, and little or no qualifications or experience in ordinary education ever mind SEN. Now I do know children who have fantastic classroom assistants, despite the poor wages and lack of training, but it's just too much of a lottery for me.

I responded to the local authority that I would be willing to consider a trial period at a mainstream school, one term or more, provided we don't lose the place at the special school. Apparently my placement officer has to have a meeting with her boss to discuss it and they will let us know. I guess they prefer to place children in mainstream school where possible as there are so few special school places, but I'm not prepared to take a gamble on Zoudie's education. I'd have a bit more confidence in mainstream if they would train the teaching assistants properly and pay them a decent wage.

Happy Birthday Boudie

2009-12-23T10:27:00.003Z

Christmas excitement is mounting in our house, which is odd as we don't celebrate it in any way at all, and in fact I never bring the subject up myself. The recent snowfall brought a joyful shout of "look, christmas" when they got up and looked out the window yesterday morning. When we see the xmas decorations in shops or snow-sprayed windows they say "look, christmas!"

They get their understanding of christmas mostly from the tv, so of course they know that christmas is all about decorated trees and snow and presents and a fat man in a red suit. TV viewing is strictly limited at the moment thanks be to God, what with the shocking amount and intensity of toy adverts that leave you reeling and the kids delirious with avarice. I would love to credit this with responsible parenting but the truth is they don't get the chance to watch tv as the big tv with the aerial is in the bedroom where their dad sleeps in the daytime. The small tv is in the sitting room with no aerial so they can only watch maternally-approved DVDs on it. I suppose I can take credit for the fact that I have so far resisted buying another tv aerial.

I was almost tempted to buy a christmas tree this year, Zudie asked me very earnestly if we could have one. They do love to see the bright lights and the shiny baubles and tinsel. Where's the harm in a little tree, perhaps 2 feet high, shiny and twinkling in the corner? Of course we couldn't just have a christmas tree without having lots of other christmassy type things. What's a tree without presents under it? wouldn't chains hanging from the ceiling be nice and cheerful, maybe a wreath on the door as well? The next thing you know we'd have dancing santas outside the front door and a simpsons themed nativity scene on the coffee table. We went to a friend's house and saw their tree, sumptously huge and green and beautifully decorated and the first thing Zudie said was "where's the presents?" so maybe that's why he wanted the tree. Zeno vetoed the tree idea anyway, not that I would have caved in if he hadn't but still.

We do have some tinsel in the house at the moment - not on a tree but festooning the walls, as it's Boudy's birthday and we have decorated the place with banners and balloons and tinsel. I got him a "5" balloon and I also had to get a "6" one for Zudie as he doesn't understand about birthdays yet and feels left out. It's been a bit fraught as he (Zudie) doesn't cope very well with excitement, and when he gets a wrapped present he decides what he would like it to be and then becomes very upset if it's not that. It's impossible to predict what he wants because if you ask him the day before it will be something different from what he decides he wants on the actual day of present giving. So Zudie is sharing this birthday with Boudy, and happily Boudy doesn't mind TOO much, I'm trying to make an extra fuss of him whenever I get a chance (whenever zouzou's not watching). Boudie chose the cake (chocolate hedgehog) and he'll blow out five candles but then we'll have to put six candles for Zudie to blow out as well. He's choosing the lunch menu as well - surprise surpise, chicken fillet burger and chips.

Once they opened the presents (and Zeno got one too, a Meerkat mug), and Zudie was over the meltdown that inevitably followed, the 2 of them actually had great fun with the wrapping paper and sellotape, wrapping up various toys and carrying them around for a bit, saying "happy birthday!" and ripping them open with joyous cries upon seeing their old familiar toys. Priceless. Next time I won't bother buying anything just wrap up the entire contents of their toy cupboard.

Well, I say Zudie's 'over' the meltdown but he's still shouting at me intermittently "no dvds presents".

CBBC TOUR!

2009-12-22T19:16:00.003Z

Had a lovely time at Television Centre for the CBBC tour with Gail and her boys. The older one is at school with Zeno. Being the nerd that I am, it was a real thrill to be at Television Centre. We were greeted in the reception area by two guides who were really nice, but unfortunately when they told us about the imminent security checks they said "don't worry it's just like at the airport" which sent Zeno into a tailspin. We had a dreadful experience at Heathrow Airport in the summer and my two autie boys both had meltdowns (and I nearly had a nervous breakdown).

However the security at the BBC wasn't such an ordeal, just had to put all our bags and pocket contents into a basket and go through a metal detector. First stop was the Prank Patrol van and then the Tardis for photo ops. The Blue Peter garden was disappointing. Then to a studio where volunteers were requested for reading the (Newsround) news and doing some technical behind the scenes stuff. The other kids were very reticent and shy but of course Zeno jumped up and volunteered to read the news, which he did beautifully, carefully following instructions about reading from the autocue and not the paper in front of him, and to carry on with the voiceover while they showed some VT footage. I was so proud and immediately had visions of him reading the 10 o'clock news on the BBC. Harry was less keen to volunteer for anything but Gail persuaded him to do the weather later, pointing at a blank board behind him while the tv camera overlaid it with a weather board. Both boys really enjoyed it I think.

Sunday Blues

2009-12-20T19:57:00.005Z

I am a bit grumpy today. I am by nature a woman of few words. One of the hardest things about becoming a mother was the amount of talking I suddenly had to do - it's impossible to be quiet when you have the constant clamouring of kids wanting attention and asking you stuff. It was quite a shock to me that whereas previously I could get away with saying very little, once I had a child I always had to be chattering away answering questions and having conversations. It wears me out more than any other activity and leaves me drained and nervy.

Today it was the children's father making me talk, to absolutely no purpose. Having mentioned that there were no eggs at breakfast I provided other foodstuffs, and once they were all replete (motherhood has also made me a skilled or at least speedy short-order cook) Himself wandered into the kitchen where I was washing the dishes and opened the fridge, like he does about a million times a day hungry or not. "There's an egg here. One egg. In the fridge", he says. Well what do you say to that? While I was turning the possibilities over in my head ("really? an egg?". "oh is there?" "that's nice") it just suddenly struck me how sometimes conversations are really nothing more than the rattling of a coin in an otherwise empty tin. Pointless. We might as well have been a couple of monkeys chattering and gibbering at each other. It made me feel very cross. I waited but nothing more challenging was said, no further revelations or even a direct request that I could provide an answer for, which would have made it at least a legitimate exchange instead of just useless, pointless words. The next word from him was a rather huffy "well?" which burst from me a narky "well what? what do you want me to say?". And that's how marital arguments start. Mostly I manage to stifle the occasional irritation but this time I just felt so resentful of being made to speak empty words with no purpose. I want to be quiet again.

Maybe I was a bit irritable because of a previous conversation, again typical of our verbal exchanges. Putting the phone down on his family in Iraq, he tried to explain to me the intricacies of the interrelatedness of his brother and his brother's wife - his mother is related to the wife's father-in-law, first he said they were cousins, then he said:

"he is her brother's son"

"so he is her nephew"

"who?"

(silent scream - "THE HE IN YOUR PREVIOUS COMMENT OF COURSE!")

aloud: "the father in law. If he's her brother's son that makes him her nephew" (SO MANY WORDS!)

"yes. no. Her uncle's son is my brother's father-in-law"

"so who is the brother's son?"

"who? Not her brother's son. Her uncle's son. my mother is Kusay's father-in-law's cousin"

"ah, yes, I see" (*sob*).

That's quite complicated and easily confused of course. Very often though we can be talking about one person, just the one, and in response to a statement of mine "he's very nice though" himself will suddenly say "who?". It drives me bonkers to be honest. THE PERSON WE'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT FOR TEN MINUTES. And while we're on the subject, can I mention that his habit of making me repeat everything I say at least twice is really annoying. It's not that he doesn't hear me, because if I keep my lips firmly shut and refuse to repeat my comment, he does respond eventually. I don't know if he's having trouble processing language, like our son, or if saying "huh?" is just an ingrained habit but I really, really - REALLY - wish he'd stop.

Sometimes I really don't think I was cut out for marriage. Polygamy seems like a good option. Make that polygyny (2 husbands???!!! shudder!!!).

October Half-Term in Weymouth

2008-10-30T09:50:00.005Z

Yesterday we packed up our buckets and spades and a football and headed for the beach. Since it was the only sunny day forecast for the coming week I thought we should make the most of it. Despite the cold the beach was fairly crowded, because of the half-term holiday I suppose. Still it was nice to see everyone wrapped up against the cold instead of half naked hehe. Town was really packed as well. So anyway the kids had a great time alhamdulillah, made sandcastles and dug holes and generally ran around (so did I run around, to keep the cold at bay). Zudie wouldn't let me have a race with Zeno, started screaming at the mention of it, and also started crying and screaming 'No!' when I tried to play football. Although a lot of his autistic behavours have lessened some of them are still hanging around. I chased him for a bit although he was protesting and acting upset he ran away from me and eventually started laughing. Got him to chase me as well which he did enjoy. As usual Zeno lost interest in his own family and tried to join in with the other groups of people dotted around. Sometimes this is okay sometimes it is a disaster. He started chasing after a toddler and made as if to stop him going near his sandcastles and the parents got a bit jumpy - Zeno doesn't differentiate between a toddler or a teenager in these instances and can come across a bit aggressive. Although when he started chasing a couple of little kids and the girl turned around and slapped him he was very restrained and just laughed and didn't respond.

I'm noticing more and more the unpleasant looks I get whenever we go out in Weymouth. I've started avoiding looking at people because of the hostility I sometimes get. It happened in town yesterday and also when we went for a drive to Corfe Castle the other day. The stares definitely cross the line beyond curiosity into aggression. It's not as if I was dressed all that differently from everyone else there (I do love my jilbab and elbow-length hijab, but I only wear that in London) apart from the hijab tucked into my neckline - just normal clothes from a chainstore, long and warm as suited to the weather. It's worse when it's kids. Once in town these little boys were staring (about 6 or 7 yrs old they were) until one of them blurted out "look Dad it's one of them Muslims!". Of course I gave him a big smile but my heart sank. They must have heard a lot of sensational conversations about Muslims to come out with something like that. Same with the boys (teenagers) who passed by the house when I was sweeping the yard and shouted something about immigrants and getting out of the country. It's unpleasant and dispiriting. Shouting abuse from a speeding car is also a very popular pasttime down here at the mouth of the Wey, that has happened on a number of occasions.

Of course there are all these occasions of racism (which it boils down to even though I could 'pass' for English by my looks and voice), but there are also some very nice people, friendly and helpful. I know that sometimes they are being particularly nice precisely because of the hijab, and whenever I've had the chance to talk for a few minutes with such people they usually express dismay and shame about the muslim-bashing in the media and just among the general population. And thank God for those people who continually restore my faith in human nature.

Hand wringing over Handshakes

2008-06-25T10:21:00.003+01:00

So, a Somali Muslim man who was due to receive a reward for fund raising for Amnesty International was snubbed and the award given to someone else because he did not want to shake hands with the female doing the presenting. One look at the comments at the bottom of the article shows what a field day bigots have with this kind of thing.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/ireland/article4188508.ece

Non-muslims always attribute the Muslim attitude of modesty and restricted interaction between the sexes to some kind of superiority complex of the Muslim male. The truth is, it is simply a question of modesty and it applies equally to both sexes - BUT if a Muslim woman didn't want to shake hands with a man, would she be accused of sexism and demeaning behaviour towards men? I'm not sure that she would. More likely she would be accused of an inferiority complex (by non-Muslims I mean).

In Islam, the reasons for not touching, or shaking hands, with the opposite sex are the same for both men and women. It is to avoid any action which may lead to that spark of attraction between two people. If a Muslim man doesn't shake hands with women, it is not because he thinks she is dirty or contaminated, it is actually the complete opposite - he loves women and thinks they are beautiful, they make his heart skip a beat and touching (yes even a handshake) might cause a yearning that he does not want to fulfill, as he wants to obey God and avoid a feeling of attraction to a woman he is not married to. And before you ask, since we can't only refuse to shake hands with people who attract us, it is better to make it a general rule and stick to it for everyone, even those we might find mightily unattractive.

Is there anyone who disputes that men and women have a powerful attraction for each other? Is it admirable or contemptible for a person, man or woman, to want to avoid that feeling of attraction because they prefer to be as 'chaste' as they possibly can? A Muslim should direct all their sexuality towards their spouse - admiring looks, longing gazes, flirtatious words, affectionate squeezes - none of these should go outside the marital relationship. How do 'crushes' develop? From a look, a touch, a joke shared.....married people are not immune, being in love with someone else doesn't always make one immune either. I don't want to leave myself open to that kind of possibility, and many other people feel the same, men and women, Muslim or not. Is that unacceptable in this society? Are we not welcome because we don't want to join in the fun?

More About Zudie - Preschool and Speech Therapy

2008-05-24T22:54:00.005+01:00

It's a lovely evening, warm and quite windy so that the trees outside are rustling very relaxingly. The kids are asleep and Abuzein just went to work the night shift. I should go to bed really as I am pretty knackered but I don't feel sleepy.

Zudie is improving a lot these days, in his speech and language as well as general behaviour. Speech therapy has really helped a lot I think. We've been to 5 sessions already and he has started to interact a bit with the therapist and give her a bit of eye contact as well as taking part a little bit in the 'turn-taking' games although not really the 'saying hello to the toys' game at the beginning. The advice she gives for activities to do with him at home are really useful and we've been putting in some intensive work with Zudie which is really showing benefits, alhamdulillah. His speech is a lot clearer and his use of language is more correct and in context now, although still not like that of other 4-5 year olds. He knows most of the colours now although still confuses them sometimes. He will sometimes use pronouns correctly now, and quite often says "I" instead of "he". I think he mostly says "I don't want it" instead of "he doesn't want it" which he used to say when referring to himself, for example. He will also sometimes say "you" appropriately. There's still a way to go though.

I've been trying to write down examples of his language use, because my mind usually goes blank whenever I'm asked about it at our appointments with the professionals. As I am still trying to teach him the colours (we've been working on it for at least 2 years), he can now answer my question "what colour is this?" or "what colour is Thomas?". Whether he gets the answer right is immaterial to me, just understanding the question and saying the name of a colour is progress, as he would often reply just "colour". Now he is trying to copy me by asking the question "what colour is......?(this, or Mr Happy, or whatever). But what he actually says is "what's this is green?". Some variations are: "whose James is red?" "where's Herbies is orange?" - and today, "whose green is yellow?" So his problem with processing language is fairly obvious.

One of the 'speech and language' experts came to the preschool to observe him. She had a few tries at talking to him but he either ignored her or turned away saying "no, no". But she did discreetly observe me talking to him and him answering so she was able to write something in her notes. She also saw how he freaked out a bit when a spot of paint got on his hand. When I spoke to her later it emerged that she thought he was three, so I had to tell her that actually he is nearly five. That was a bit depressing. I also got totally peed off talking to one of the preschool assistants later who made it clear that she didn't think he had a problem at all, except for being the son of a neurotic mother. I suppose they are a bit surprised that I haven't left Zudie (or Boudie, who attends as well) at the preschool except for 15 minutes at a time lurking in the hall listening out for him, in case he has a meltdown cos he can't see me. They haven't seen him in screaming meltdown mode and if I'm really careful about making sure he's settled before I leave him for a full session, they never will insha'Allah - even though that will make them think I've got munchausen-by-proxy or something. The assistant also expressed the view that Zudie has improved so much since starting at the preschool 6 weeks ago, implying that it is all because of finally getting away from (S)mother even if only for 15 minutes. I started to try and set her straight but gave up because what's the point? She's obviously too dim to realise that he hasn't actually changed that much, he's just being more himself cos he's getting used to the preschool.

Anyway the SALT person said she really wasn't sure whether he is on the autistic spectrum or just has a severe language delay. I can't help feeling the tiniest bit frustrated that my son, who is read to and spoken to far more than any other kids I know, should have this particular problem which is so often seen as a result of parental neglect. I know so many parents who barely speak to their sprogs except to say "get up" "shut up" "eat it" "go to bed" - and their kids are still as chatty and outgoing as you could want. Well alhamdulillah for everything, his problems are miniscule compared with some kids I have seen, and I have to lift myself up a bit by thinking that without the attention we try to give him he might be worse.

I would be glad to know for sure that he doesn't have ASD, but I wonder about the little obsessions he has and the habit he has of holding objects at funny angles and staring at them, holding his cars or trains or whatever right up to the corner of his eyes and looking at them; and the way he gets so absorbed with lining up his toys and having a screaming fit if the line is broken by anyone. Not to mention the fact that it is impossible to get him to wear anything other than 2 particular pairs of trousers and one smelly pair of trainers without socks (I know some people think I should just MAKE him but believe me I have tried and it's not worth it). He has got less fussy about t-shirts now and will mostly wear any short-sleeved t-shirt (definitely no long sleeves unless they're pyjamas and it's bedtime). It's possible that he just has a few of these autistic characteristics without actually having Autistic Spectrum Disorder. Only time will tell. I can definitely say that after a peak when he was about 3-4, his autistic-type behaviours seem to be lessening. I hope it continues like this, insha'Allah. I am thinking that it might be because his confidence has increased as his language skills have improved.

I have to confess that we had some really bad wobbles over the past year. I know it is not really pc to use the word 'handicapped' now, but I'm going to say it anyway - a few times over the past year I looked at him and thought, oh my God he's a handicapped child, he's never going to be normal. The worst times were when trying to explain something to him and he would just refuse to look at me and open his mouth and scream. It was quite scary knowing that I just could not get through to him, that nothing I was saying was getting through to him, he wasn't understanding a word. Up until then, until he reached the age of four, I could regard him as still a 'toddler' that you couldn't expect to reason with or make understand why he couldn't have something or go somewhere that he particularly wanted. When Zudie reached his fourth birthday his younger brother was 2 and a half and starting to be very communicative and cooperative, so the difference was really apparent. Thank God, thank God, it seems that it was just a stage Zudie was going through and he is much better now. He will often accept it now when I tell him he can't have something immediately, but he can have it later. I think that at the age of 4 he was really more like an 18 month old in his understanding, but now, nearly a year later, he's more like a 3 year old.

What a long post! At last that sleepy feeling is creeping over me, and I must go to bed.

Common Errors in English Usage

2008-05-04T16:58:00.003+01:00

.

Here is a website to gladden the hearts of everyone who, like me, gets distressed when they see the english language being mangled and abused - and yet who, like me, suspect that their own usage of the language isn't by any means perfect.

http://www.wsu.edu:8080/%7Ebrians/errors/errors.html

Scroll down for an alphabetical list of the most common errors people make.

Mayor Boris

2008-05-03T11:03:00.003+01:00

We are all a bit gloomy here about the new Mayor. Just yesterday going home on the tube I was remembering how I had to pay a child fare for Zeno when he was 5, and now I don't pay even though he's 9, thanks to Uncle Ken's policy of free tube and bus travel for under 11s. The way Boris has been bleating on about how he will certainly keep the 'Freedom Pass' for OAPs makes me suspect that he's got his eye on making the kiddies pay. The man is already an MP, how is it possible for him to be allowed to stand for Mayor, as if both of these roles were only part-time? Ken Livingstone wasn't perfect, far from it, but he is a bone fide Londoner and passionate about this city being the capital of the world, and at least a little bit tolerant. Anway, Zoe Williams in the Guardain sums up my feelings on the matter and exposes Boris for the racist snob he is.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2008/may/01/boris.livingstone

Zudie Update May 2008

2008-05-03T09:43:00.005+01:00

The good news is we finally got some speech therapy for Zudie, a block of 6 sessions. Boudie comes along too, as the therapist says he is a good 'model' for what she wants Zudie to say and do. We've had 2 sessions so far, and I have to carry out her suggestions throughout the week. So far we've worked on taking turns (a major problem for Zudie), and greetings, which he is totally opposed to on principle, although he is happy enough to say 'goodbye' to everyone. He spends a lot of time under the chair at the speech therapists office, and shouting 'No!' if Mum starts singing (little salafi lol). He hasn't joined in much so far but at least I am picking up lots of useful advice and insights - it was Meredith who recommended the book More Than Words and who photocopied a lot of it for me. I do find it a bit bizarre the way she speaks in a high-pitched, sing-song voice but I suppose she knows her business. If I attempted that Zudie would pinch me and dig his nails in till I bled, he hates me to change the tone of my voice or raise it or sound too happy or excited about anything.

One of the other professionals we saw sent me a huge book of Social Stories (photocopied which must have taken ages, God bless her). Actually I find the 'early readers' (Oxford Reading Tree eg) also very useful for Zudie, very simple and direct sentances that seem to help him learn how to use verbs and pronouns. He loves them and repeats after me. He seems to need to hear things about a million times before he can relate them to other situations; although he says things or repeats things sometimes I don't think he really knows what he's saying half the time.

Both Zudie and Boudie went along to preschool for a couple of afternoons, and Boudie seemed to love it. Zudie stuck close to me the whole time of course and didn't interact with the other children at all although he joined Boudie in playing with some trains and track for a while. at 2pm the teacher makes all the children sit down at tables and then one of the children doles out juice and a biscuit - she got Boudie to do it on the 2nd day and he loved it. However after juice they have to stay in their chairs for ages (nearly half an hour) while she holds up pictures and cards and asks them questions, which I thought was a bit too long for that age group (most of them are 3). Boudie was bored of course and Zudie was fit to be tied so I had to leave. I will carry on for a few weeks, I doubt if I will be able to leave them there, or not Zudie anyway. They are all nice ladies at the preschool but after all these years home-educating my mindset has totally changed and I found it a bit disturbing that all these 3 year olds were taken from hearth and home and left there to begin the process of institutionalisation which will continue through primary school and secondary until they either go to uni or join the world of work. Couldn't they just have a few more years of carefree play? It's much more sensible to stay at home till at least 7, which is what the Europeans do (or so I am always told).

Got a phone call yesterday from a Clinical Psychologist who said Zudie had been referred to them by the Paediatrician. There still is no decision about whether to diagnose Zudie as ASD or not, they offered us an appointment in about 4 weeks and said they also wanted to observe him in preschool 'when he has settled in' which privately I don't think he ever will but as ever I am willing to be proved wrong.

Zeno Update May 2008

2008-05-03T09:23:00.003+01:00

We just had a home visit from the Educational Psychologist, who chatted with us for a while then got Zeno to do a couple of verbal and non-verbal tests. She said she will write a report and send us a copy. She does a lot of work in Hallfield School and seemed to think they would be amenable to having Zeno as a pupil for a few hours a week, and also that they would meet his needs for constant movement, talking non-stop, and also respect his writing phobia and not make him write if he didn't want to (she mentioned teaching him to touch type which I have been planning to do for a while and giving him a laptop in the classroom).

Part-time school (it's usually called flexi-schooling) is something me and Zeno have discussed often. The only worry I have would be if our home-education would have to be more structured and results-based if the school is involved, rather than fairly autonomous which is the way we have been going. I definitely won't have him taking part in any SATs rubbish. If I'm honest I only see school as an opportunity for someone else to give me a hand with teaching Zeno to be a social being; how to make friends and how to talk to people his own age without immediately turning them off him, which I haven't been able to do so far. I get a bit frustrated because I see his speech pattern as a major factor in this, not just his conversation which is how the professionals have assessed the problem. I would like him to have some kind of therapy for his stammer and help in speaking more directly and in simpler sentances. He is totally incapable of giving a simple answer to a simple question, in fact when you ask a simple question you get a verbal essay back on the subject, its background, main points and final summing-up. Anyone would find that a turn-off, let alone your average 8-10 yr old who has wandered off long before Zeno has even warmed up to his subject. I wish I knew how to help him but even if I did would I have the time? Zudie needs really intensive help at the moment as well, and he is still at that crucial stage of just beginning to process language, he is way behind even his younger brother but alhamdulillah he is improving, although painfully slowly.

Zeno went to the zoo with the scouts last Sunday, he seemed to enjoy it especially since they saw some meerkats (one of his present obsessions). Unfortunately he left his jacket behind, as I pointed out when I picked him up from Regents Park Masjid. He immediately burst into load sobs which made the other children stare a bit. He hates to lose anything. We trudged back around to the zoo, which was not as close as I thought and took ages and his jacket hadn't been handed in anyway - cue more theatrical crying (although he was genuinely upset but Zeno lives his life as if he's on stage and wants to make sure he is being heard in the stalls).

Anyway the good thing was I decided to walk back by way of the canal, and it was a lovely walk on the towpath nearly all the way home, the peace only disturbed by the constant wailing of Zeno for his lost jacket, his remonstrations with me for making him take it and for the villains who took it and didn't hand it in. All the way home lol.

Kildare/Dublin Visit

2008-05-03T08:04:00.004+01:00

It's been really busy here alhamdulillah. Went to Ireland end of March for the first time in 10 years. It was really strange to be back and seeing all the familiar places that I had completely forgotten about. I'm such a Londoner these days that I forgot I am also a Dubliner (Northside!) and it felt good to be back. It was only a flying visit so there wasn't much time for wandering around old haunts but some day insha'Allah I plan to go back and do that very thing. Cabra looked just the same, we drove past the old house and my brother asked if we would go in but I couldn't face it, too many memories of Ma and Granny hanging round the place. Over Broombridge and into Finglas was where I noticed most of the changes, it's now very built up where there used to be just quiet back roads and fields.

I didn't see much of town, just that some idiotic millenium monument has been erected (the mot juste believe me) in the middle of O'Connell Street, a meaningless towering needle that filled me with rage. Easons was a bit of a disappointment as it used to be such a magical place for me, I would spend hours browsing the departments (religion/spirituality was always a favourite, and the art department). It was all changed of course but not for the better, no comfy chairs and coffee like Books Etc. A bit boring and uninviting. Also I noticed most of their books about Islam were written by non-Muslims which was annoying. They did have one by Tariq Ramadan though which I picked up together with a Horrible History of Dublin for Zeno which I hadn't seen here. However I don't want to do it an injustice, it might still be the best bookshop in Dublin.

Visited Kildare for the first time, where my sister and most of her grown-up children live. Two of them have their own families now and it was lovely to see them all, and as I didn't have my own kids with me I could just concentrate on being an aunt (and great-aunt) for a change. Kildare reminded me a little bit of Dorset although flatter (surprisingly flat altogether actually but very green). Athy seems like a nice little town and a good place to live for someone who likes the quiet life. Niece #1l recently got back from an extended stay in South Africa so it was interesting to hear her impressions of the place and the people. Niece 2 was a star and drove us everywhere even though she was tired out from a visit to the UK (we flew to Dublin together). I visited Niece 3 in the middle of the country where they have over an acre and are full of exciting plans to build a house on their land. She has a daughter and a son and one on the way insha'Allah; the boy is a toddler and plump and gorgeous and the girl is a little bit older and so beautiful and clever masha'Allah. Niece 4 lives in London at the moment lol so didn't see her. Also visited Niece 5 at her beautiful house and got to see her 3 kids who are so lively and chatty and beautiful (I know I sound like a biased auntie but they really are exceptionally good-looking kids masha'Allah). I also got to see nieces 6 and 7 (#7 is the daughter of another sister, the one in Dorset), they are still living in Dublin and busy with their jobs and their hectic social lives....turning heads and breaking a few hearts no doubt, the tall brunette and the petite blonde.

Also managed to spend a day and a half with brother #2 and his wife in Mulhuddart, which has definitely changed beyond recognition. I quite enjoyed taking a walk around the place with Jane (sister #6). Their eldest girl has moved out now, but they still have 3 kids living at home (youngest is nearly 14 I think). They are really lovely kids and very brainy all of them masha'Allah. Went for a drive in the mountains and saw some amazing scenery. Wicklow is really beautiful and you could almost survive on the fresh air alone. Went to Glencrea and saw the detention centre where Grandad was incarcerated as a boy (for loitering, which is outrageous when you think that he was just a penniless orphan with nothing to do and nowhere to go anyway). I don't know how grim his life there was, he spent a few years there anyway before he left and went to fight in the first world war. It is now a centre for reconciliation - not for the poor boys who were locked up there for no other crime than existing, and being poor and powerless, but for those affected by the 'troubles' in Northern Ireland.

I loved the mountains, the desolate scenery and the nourishing air, the colours (purple, grey-blue, brown and green-black). I felt like I could live there and be a wild woman of the mountains, washing in the streams and shaking my fist and muttering at the passing tourists (pretty much what the present inhabitants of Wicklow do hehe). It has the same attraction for me as the desert, although you might not see the similarities at first. Something to do with the huge sky, the emptiness of the landscape which is so soothing and which lets you connect with something deep inside rather than having to engage with externals. No details or bright colours to tire the eyes only huge skies and mountain ranges, silence except for the wind (not even a bird singing)....no smells, only pure mountain air. Bliss.

Jerusalem Killings

2008-03-08T07:11:00.003Z

When an event like the shooting in Jerusalem happens, Muslims are always being asked to show that they, too are horrified and disgusted and saddened by the killings. I find it very difficult to do so. Islam teaches that the killing of innocents is a heinous crime, and there will be no refuge for the murderer on the day of judgement. Self defence is allowed, as long as the attacker is attacking you, but as soon as they stop then your defensive fighting has to stop too.

So why do I find it difficult to condemn at attack on 'students at a Seminary'?. The first reason is that the last few weeks (just the last few weeks, don't even ask about the last 60 years) have seen many innocent Palestinians killed, including babies, including children shot by Israeli snipers while in their own homes. And no-one said anything. Not a word. Now that 8 Israelis have been killed by a Palestinian gunman however, the whole world is screaminig from the rooftops about it, the American President and the British Prime Minister have issued statements
along with other world leaders.

News footage of Palestinians in refuge camps 'celebrating' the killings has been shown (sometimes several times in the same news bulletin). Meanwhile, there was absolutely ZERO coverage of the Israeli mob that gathered to chant 'Death to Arabs', as was reliably reported by other news outlets. Instead we were told by our 'esteemed' TV news bulletins that an Israeli rabbi called for no revenge attacks. In the sure and certain hope, I believe, that for every one of the 8 Israelis killed, at least 50 Palestinians will be slaughtered.

Also, surprisingly, the Daily Mail gave a very good account of itself in reporting the incident, and actually mentioned that far from being a stronghold of peaceful scholarly pursuits, the seminary where the students were killed is actually at the heart of the violent, vicious and racist 'settler movement' in Israel.

The Myth of the Self-Hating Jew

2008-03-04T15:45:00.004Z

This book looks like a gripping read insha'Allah, excerpt in the Grauniad today:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2008/mar/04/israelandthepalestinians.bookextracts

While it's true that any criticism of Israeli atrocities brings a deluge of hate-mail to anyone brave enough to swim against the tide of pro-Israeli world media, the most bitter response is reserved for the so-called 'self-hating jew'.

If anyone wonders why should Israel be criticised (and unless they make an effort to look for unbiased media sources, they may not know why) read here:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2008/mar/03/israelandthepalestinians.usa1

I find myself unable to comment on recent Israeli atrocities, it just hurts too much. Suffice to say, that if Muslims were responsible for even a fraction of the kind of horror that is routinely inflicted upon Palestinians, the whole world would be screaming about it. Instead, there is a deafening silence from 99% of the world.

Scouts

2008-03-03T16:29:00.003Z

So here we are in London. It's a while since Zeno went to Scouts, so I took him yesterday . When we got there the leaders hadn't arrived to open the doors, so there were lots of boys standing around. Of course Zeno just dived in, waving 'hello' and launching into a high speed monologue which left the boys gaping. I really hate seeing them laughing and nudging each other, and asking each other 'what's he saying? can you understand what he's saying?' etc. etc. Thanks be to God Zeno is oblivious to most of it. I don't know whether his high self-esteem is a feature of his condition (sometimes I have to rein it in a bit, very gently) but thank God for it anyway, because you never want to see your child with hurt feelings or feeling rejected or humiliated.

The scout leaders arrived eventually (half an hour late which is kind of usual for them, must remember not to bother being on time in future) and straight away Zeno and the other boys (and some girls) were running round the hall like lunatics. The scout leaders are all really nice girls masha'Allah, very good with Zeno actually. There is another Muslim scout group in East London which one of the brothers from the revert group helps run - I am thinking of taking Zeno there as well as our one is only every 2 weeks. It's a long way but at least it's a straight run on the central line, and I could while away the time at the East London Islamic Centre. I know some people don't agree with having separate scout groups for Muslims, but the opportunity to get together with so many other Muslim children is really important for me. We live in a society which is not only non-Muslim but actually anti-Muslim, and I know Zeno is very aware of the underlying hostility (he's very into newspapers and news websites and we often have to discuss anti-Islamic articles or hostility to Muslims on tv - talkshows etc.). So being surrounded by like-minded Muslims can feel like - wow we can relax, no-one's giving us dirty looks or making assumptions about us cos we're Muslims.

Met up with one of the sisters from the home edders group, both her boys are ASD as well and Zeno gets on really well with them. I will have to make the effort to get to Scouts more often, cos Zeno really enjoyed it, alhamdulillah.

Local Beauty Spots

2008-02-17T09:38:00.002Z

I can't believe I have been visiting Bobbie for the last 15 years or so and never realised what a lovely part of Weymouth her house is in. For the past few months we have had the leisure to go for walks just in the local area and it is really amazing. Of course the sandy beach is where we always headed before, and still do very often. A few days ago we walked all along the Esplanade to the Sea Life Centre, past Greenhill Gardens which was looking lovely in the winter sunshine. We climbed the stairs to the roof of the 'beach hut building' (as I call it) and the view was amazing - I could have sat there all day looking at sea and listening to the waves.

There is a local beauty spot just around the corner from the house, with some lovely views of Weymouth. It's actually a short cut to Chesil Beach, as I was delighted to find out. Unfortunately the land has been sold to developers who are doing their utmost to reclassify it from its present 'common ground' definition.

Yesterday we tried a new route to Chesil Beach, turning left down Chickerell Road instead of right, then left again till we got to 'Lanehouse Rocks' - a dashing name for what is actually a dangerous road for pedestrians, especially little ones. It's a very steep road but the view at the top is worth the aching calves (well it's not that steep but I am out of condition). When you reach the summit and turn around you can see distant views of the coast on both sides - Weymouth Bay on your right and Chesil Beach on your left. We turned right at the end of Lanehouse Rocks, and took 'Camp Road', hoping to strike the coast after about 10-15 minutes, but our efforts were baffled at every turn. Towards the end of Camp Road the pavement ended and it was just too dangerous to carry on with the kids. There was a grassy bank on the other side of the road but it was kind of narrow and sloping and didn't look safe. On one side of the road (which was surprisingly busy) there was a fenced-off field which had 'army' signs all over it, and on the other was a caravan park, also completely fenced off, with a footpath running along the side (parallel to the coast). We tried walking along the army fence first, after a hundred yards or so I changed my mind after checking the map as it didn't look possible to reach the sea that way. We tried the path next to the caravan park next, always looking for a way through but it was barbed wire and thick (six foot thick in places) brambles all the way. We could see the sea by now, sparkling in the late afternoon sunshine. It was going to be a spectacular sunset, but I wanted to be home for maghrib prayer so when the footpath took a sharp turn left (away from the coast) I reluctantly decided to give up and head back home. We reached the end of the footpath 5 minutes later, and were back on a normal street with houses. I was surprised how often the pavement disappeared and left us walking on the road. Another 5 minutes saw us on the main 'Portland Road' and another glorious view down to Chesil Beach and the Isle of Portland straight ahead. We took the shortcut home from there, along a footpath running initially beside a cemetary, which after a couple of stiles opens out to the Common (Markham Common maybe?), from which Chickerell Road can be reached in about 10 minutes. It's good to know that both Weymouth Bay & Chesil are within walking distance, although the Chesil walk is much more scenic, subhan'Allah.

I am really pleased that the kids don't seem to mind walking at all, and Boudie only complained after a couple of hours brisk (for him) walking, which isn't bad for a 3 yr old alhamdulillah. As for Zeno, he recently REFUSED to get in a taxi in London and preferred to walk from Fulham Road to Queensway, masha'Allah. Of course the problem with him is getting him out of the house in the first place.

Three Little Menaces

2008-02-17T09:24:00.003Z

I am hating housework at the moment, astaghfirallah. It seems to take up all my time, and there are so many other things I would much rather be doing. The kids are terribly untidy and destructive, it's like they are on a mission to wreck the house. So far two banisters have been knocked out, the front door has had a piece removed from it, the curtains in the sitting room have been ripped, the fancy holders for holding the curtains back have been ripped out of the walls (altogether at least 6 of them), the sitting room door has somehow been pulled off its hinges, the immaculate walls have been drawn on with felt tip, pencil, and anything else they could get their hands on. I am almost tempted to give in to Abuzein's advice to remove all writing materials and all toys and puzzles from the house entirely. The toys are usually strewn around the house, but any attempt to surreptiously pick them up and put them away (I have long since abandoned the cheery cry of "tidy up time boys" as it is always met with howls of protest and derision) is found out and the boxes emptied again. The new yellow sofas have been drawn on with the 'dry wipe' markers which seem to contain an amazing amount of ink. The laptop I am writing on now has had more than half of its keys picked away so I am actually using a separate keyboard.

Is it just my kids? Everyone else's kids seem so well behaved, obedient and polite. Masha'Allah.

Birthdays

2008-02-08T20:06:00.001Z

My second eldest sister is 52 today! It's a bit scary that time is flying by so fast, but also quite reassuring that being 50+ isn't as elderly as it used to be - Bobbie is embarking on a new business venture and has also just started a college course. I turned 40 myself on my last birthday, which was surprisingly untraumatic - maybe because of having 4 older sisters who are aging very well lol, masha'Allah. I don't really feel any worse than I did as a teenager or a twentysomething, in fact I feel lots better, alhamdulillah, much happier and more tranquil.

Of course being a Muslim is the main reason for that, although having kids also has contributed to my contentment. I suffered from depression a lot in my twenties, but never since becoming a Muslim have I had a bad depression. Alhamdulillah - all praise and thanks belongs to God.

Well it's good for me to reflect at the moment that being a mother has also been such a hugely positive thing in my life. Just at the moment the kids are being incredibly trying, especially Zudie. It seems impossible for him to understand that I cannot immediately bring him whatever he asks me for - so for example he wants his toy 'racing car', and he calls out "Mama, racing car". I don't know where his racing car is but I tell him to come with me and we'll look for it - which we do, unsuccessfully.
"I'm sorry Zudie I can't find it."
"Racing car."
"I don't know where your racing car is."
"Racing car."
"Sorry Zudie I can't find it."
"Racing car."
By now he is crying and shouting repeatedly "racing car." If I walk away he will continue to shout after me "Mama, mama, racing car." He can do this for an indefinite period. I mean literally hours. I will end up with palpitations and the shakes from the effort of remaining calm.
I can't possibly allow myself to become angry or shout at him because he does not understand at all and it is not his fault. Distraction would be a good idea, except to mention any other toy, or a DVD that he loves, or a storybook he usually enjoys, will make him hysterically angry and he will either hit me or throw something at me or across the room.
Neither does he understand the concept of waiting for anything. If he asks me for juice when I'm busy, telling him "Wait a minute" gets either monotonous repetition of his request until it's fulfilled or sometimes tears or hysteria if he's feeling particularly impatient.
On a positive note, lately he has been really enjoying drawing pictures and copying out letters and numbers. He amazed me one day by coming to sit beside me with his pencil and paper, and then writing his name almost perfectly! turned out his dad had just written it for him to copy, but he was able to turn the page and write it again. masha'Allah. That is completely different from his older brother, who even at 9 years old never writes anything voluntarily.

Another Broohaha

2008-02-08T19:01:00.001Z

"SHARIA LAW IN UK INEVITABLE SAYS DR. WILLIAMS"

Thanks to the dear old Archbish of Canterbury, Islam and Muslims are once again on the front pages of most of the newspapers and the usual rabidly anti-Islam columnists are gleefully sharpening their knives. To be fair to the bearded one (the A of C that is), I doubt it was his intention to stir up trouble. He seems to realise that there is more to Shariah than the hudd penalties (capital punishment for murder and adultery, and hand-chopping for persistent theft which is not due to extreme need), and he would like us all to sit down and have a sensible discussion over a nice cup of tea.

Clearly Shariah law has an image problem in the west. It is assuredly not the way it is painted in the media here. As I Muslim I understand 'Shariah' to be - the guidelines given by God as to how He wants us to live our lives. It encompasses many things, for example worship, and how we conduct relationships with others. It literally means 'the Road' or 'the Way'.

Non-Muslims in the west immediately think of 'stoning women' or 'chopping hands' when the hear the words 'shariah law'. They also think of countries like Saudi Arabia, Afghanistan, Pakistan and Iran and believe that these countries follow Islamic Law. This is very far from the truth. There is no country in the world in which Islamic Law/Shariah is implemented. If it was, believe me I for one would be the first one to hop on a plane and emigrate there.

Regarding adultery, firstly let me say that men and women are equally guilty before God and the punishment applies to both of them. If you look at the record of countries like Iran you will find that both men and women are executed for adultery in roughly the same numbers (and men are executed for rape) however in the western press you will only find reports of cases of executed women.

If Islamic Law were truly implemented, adultery would be next to impossible to prove. It requires the testimony of four witnesses of good character, and they have to be able to swear that they saw penetration take place. Not that they saw two naked people rolling around on top of each other, but that they actually witnessed the male member penetrate the female genitals. (pardon my explicitness but that is the law, and Islamically speaking there should not be any squeamishness when it comes to such a serious issue).

Two other issues should make it even harder to bring forth an accusation of adultery against anyone:

1. in Islam it is absolutely forbidden to voice an unconfirmed suspicion of adultery or other immoral behaviour without definite proof. If anyone accuses someone of adultery without bringing forth the required witnesses, they are to be flogged and their witness is for ever after disregarded, a source of great shame for them.

2. as Muslims we are absolutely forbidden to spy or pry into other people's private rooms or dwellings. If there is a knock on my door and I don't see anyone there when I look through the spyhole, I usually guess it is a Muslim caller who has stood to one side after knocking so that they don't inadvertantly see into my home without being invited by myself. That is the custom and to do otherwise is seen as terribly rude.

The Prophet (peace be upon him) never pursued cases of adultery against anyone. In the rare cases where the punishment of death was applied, it was always people coming to him and confessing their sin and demanding punishment. Once, a man confessed to committing adultery and asked for the punishment, which the Prophet pbuh ordered to be carried out. Later on, those who carried out the punishment reported that the man had run away but they chased him and brought him back and killed him - the Prophet pbuh told them "You should have let him go". From this it seems very clear that only those who ask for the punishment should have it carried out on them.

Given all of the above, it is amazing that anyone should ever be convicted of adultery. That, I am sure, is exactly how it should be, not the awful cases that are reported sometimes about rape victims being flogged in Pakistan or women being sentenced to death after retracting their confession (in the case I remember the Sudanese woman was in any case divorced, so even if she had illegal sexual intercourse it was fornication rather than adultery - and the punishment for fornication in Islam is 100 lashes).

There is one more thing to say about adultery - those who believe in the Old Testament (ie Jews and Christians) have no basis for calling the death penalty for adultery barbaric as it clearly commanded by God there. Even if they believe that law is now abrogated, there is no doubt that it was once a command of God that the adulterer receive the death penalty, and for a certainty many people in old testament times were stoned to death for this (as well as other things - see the OT for a full list).

As for public flogging as a punishment for other, minor, offences - in many cases it could be better than a prison sentence, more effective as a deterrant and also more humane than locking people up. There are strict guidelines for flogging, it is not meant to be as bloodthirsty as pirate whippings or slave whippings you might see in TV dramas.

Hand-chopping? as I mentioned already, if someone steals because of extreme need (I mean of food or other sustanence for him/herself or his family) then the punishment does not apply. Only persistent thieves who do so for profit are meant to be punished in this way. And I don't have a problem with that, I save my compassion for people who are victims of theft and not the greedy perpetrators. It can be absolutely devastating to be the victim of a burglary, or even a handbag snatch or pickpocket or something.

The real irony here is that the first Islamic community, headed by the Prophet peace be upon him, was a model of tolerance and inclusiveness. The sizeable number of Jews in the community were given the right to live by their own laws and conduct their own affairs according to their scriptures - although they also had recourse to the Islamic legal process if they wished.

New Year Update

2008-01-28T12:38:00.000Z

Well we have an official diagnosis of ASD (Autistic Spectrum Disorder) for Zeno. I had been thinking of the Aspergers label but the Paediatrician was very cautious about giving any label other than ASD and said he was reluctant to define it any further, although he said we could also call it 'High Functioning Autism'. "Don't get carried away with thinking 'high functioning' means Zeno is not much affected. He may be very much affected and have extreme difficulties in some areas, which we should be ready to recognise."

I wasn't sure how to take that really. Stefan also said that Zeno found it hard to know what is going on in other people's heads, which is something that everyone else (everyone not autistic that is) begins to grasp in a rudimentary way from babyhood. This can cause problems with communicating with people - just having a conversation can be frustrating for both parties. Also it might make the world a scary place sometimes if one is unable to understand other people or empathise with them.

It was an interesting meeting. I vaguely recall the psychologist (there were 3 doctors there) saying we could have an 'educational psychology' assessment which I am really keen on. We talked briefly about some of the problems of educating someone at the high-functioning end of autism, eg the difficulty they sometimes have with simple maths or learning to tell the time from an analogue clock despite high intelligence, and concentration problems, amongst other things. It's always such a relief to find someone who doesn't furrow their brows and look worried when you tell them things, but is really blase and tells you "oh yes that's quite usual in these cases".

Anyway, nothing is really static alhamdulillah. Right now Zeno is sitting at the table doing maths worksheets which up to now he has really passionately hated, but he actually asked me for them and is enjoying doing them. they are only simple addition (3 rows of double figures) but anyway that is what the psychologist suggested at the meeting - go back to the basics. He's a whizz at fractions and some other more complicated maths masha'Allah but if the basics aren't covered you always run into problems. He's almost nine years old, and I have to admit that I sometimes tie myself in knots worrying about his education and the fact that he is so behind 'schooled' children in some areas (even though he is way ahead in others). The areas in which he is ahead are those which interest him, and I stress about the fact that everyone needs to knuckle down sometimes and work at things which may not interest us - if he can't do that, is he disadvantaged? Should I be more tyrannical about covering the national curriculum, making him write, etc.?

Educationally, there are a few things I want to cover in the next month or two:

Go over maths basics again: addition, subtraction, multiplication tables

Arabic reading - sight reading of 'fatiha' and the 3 'quls'

Qur'an - Stick with the 15 or so short surahs he knows by heart and revise them regularly

Islamic Studies - continue with the textbook

English - carry on with the present programme which alhamdulillah is going well

Science, history, geography - these subjects interest Zeno and he reads a lot by himself, which is fine for now.

I intend to do some cooking together with the kids insha'Allah as a way to encourage Zeno to broaden his diet.

I would like to make a point of taking him to every scout meeting (unfortunately they're only every fortnight anyway), and finding some other regular group to attend other than the informal home-edders get-togethers (without structure and a common aim socialising can sometimes end in tears with Zeno).

A Visit from the S.A.L.T. advisor

2007-11-30T16:31:00.000Z

I just had a visit from a speech and language therapy advisor, who very kindly agreed to come and see us despite the fact that there is no formal provision of help to home educated children over the age of 5.

She seemed to think Zeno would benefit from speech therapy and advised me to really push for it at the child development clinic when we go there for the ADOS on Tuesday. she was also able to put a name to one of his speech 'impediments' calling it 'telegrammatic speech'.

Apparently there is an autism resource centre opening soon in Millbank, and Carolyn advised me to try and put Zeno's name down if possible. It's really for helping mild-to-moderate autistic children to make the transition to mainstream schooling, so I would have to do some research as to whether it would really be suitable for Zeno. We are quite happy home educating at the moment, although sometimes I think about flexi-schooling as he is so keen to socialise and I don't manage to get to that many home-edding events. It is tempting to think that school would be a ready-made group of friends but of course it could be a ready-made group of tormentors and bullies. This was brought home to me recently when he made the mistake of speaking to some schoolboys who were waiting outside the local shop, and they immediately started mocking and taunting. Zeno has very high self-esteem masha'Allah, but I'm not sure he would cope with that sort of thing on a daily basis.

Carolyn advised reading stories aloud (which we do sometimes) and asking Zeno questions about the characters like "how do you think he feels right now? why does he feel like that?" etc. and if necessary to provide the explanation. It would be particularly helpful to give Zeno some vocabulary of feelings and emotions, as although he has an extremely wide vocabulary it is mostly to do with facts. Also when Zeno is speaking it would be good to interrupt him and ask for the 'who, what, where and when' of the information he is giving, as his conversation often lacks structure.

Another helpful resource she mentioned was something called 'Social Stories' which are very simple stories to give an autistic child insight into how a particular behaviour issue of theirs might be making others feel. These have to be tailored towards the individual child so need to be written by me, but she said if I write something I could email it to her and she will advise if it is suitable.

It all sounded very interesting and I am keen to make a start insha'Allah. It was really good to speak to someone who was actually able to give advice rather than just 'assess' Zeno without giving us any feedback, which is what has been happening since January.

As she was leaving Carolyn said that Aspergers definitely seemed to be indicated but she was very positive about improving his pragmatic speech difficulties with the strategies she mentioned.

Teddy Bears and Prophets

2007-11-30T10:04:00.000Z

I got a bit of a shock last night when the ITV news was on and I thought I heard that the teacher at the centre of the row over the teddy bear called Muhammad had got fifteen YEARS in jail. I had to wait until later to find out that it was actually 15 days.

I am with the Muslim Council of Britain when it says: "the authorities have grossly over-reacted" and "Gillian should never have been arrested, let alone charged and convicted of committing a crime." A quick look around the online Islamic community of message boards and e-groups finds no support at all for the conviction of this teacher and actually a lot of anger and exasperation against the Sudanese authorities.

These days I approach the papers with a lot of trepidation. If I'm feeling a bit fragile I will avoid them altogether. Try reading the 'comments from readers' attached to an article about Muslims and you will never venture outside your door again (if you belong to this barely-tolerated faith). In this case the accusations of dangerous fanaticism seem to be richly deserved, and I can only offer up a prayer that we won't all be tarred with the same brush.

Still, having said all that.....listening to Jane Moore this morning talking about the selfless British teacher who, out of the kindness of her heart because surely she couldn't be getting paid much, chose to go to the third world to help them out by educating their children, and look how they repay her!

Well that just stinks of cultural arrogance to me. Which got me thinking about the whole episode a little bit differently. A teddy bear is a western cultural icon, not a global one. Having a soft stuffed animal and making it a focus of emotional attachment or attributing human emotions to it is pretty much taken for granted here in 'the West'. In other parts of the globe it might be regarded as eccentric at best or even contemptible or sinister. The whole exercise of sending a child home from school with a stuffed animal and a note saying "my name is (whatever), please look after me and take me places with you" sounds peculiarly British and twee, and the idea that you can just take that exercise anywhere in the world and not meet with any objection or opposition is a bit arrogant.

Of course there is a political element to the story as well - the Sudanese are under pressure internationally over Darfur and are full of resentment against 'the West'. So it's not just straightforward religious fanaticism.

In any case, I do feel very sorry for the teacher and don't think she has done anything deserving of punishment whatsoever. I don't find anything in Islamic law that says otherwise.

Telling Your Child He Has Autism

2007-11-28T07:08:00.000Z

I chose to tell him while we were out walking. The three of them ran on ahead as usual, but I called Zeno back, put my arm around his shoulders.
"You know how Zudie is a little behind in some things?" (Zeno had noticed this and pointed it out to me). "You know, at his age you had me reading encyclopaedias to you and you loved telling people about how the solar system works. You were a little ahead of other 4 year olds. But Zudie isn't like that, he's a little behind other 4 year olds. "
"Yes, he doesn't talk properly at all."
"Well, it might be because of something called autism. The doctor we went to see thinks Zoudie might have autism. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with him, just something a bit different - autistic children are a bit different from children who don't have autism."
(I'm thinking, did I say that right? I wish I had rehearsed it a bit. And now that I've brought up the subject by referring to Zudie, it's time to carefully bring it around to Zeno).
"Sometimes children who have autism are a bit behind other children in things like speaking and understanding. Sometimes children who have autism are a bit ahead in some things."
"Have I got autism?"
The directness of his question knocks me for six. I had got all psyched up to tell him he had autism, and now that all I had to say was one word "yes", I was hesitating.
"Yes, you and Zoudie probably both have autism, but different kinds".
"Can I go now? I want to go in the phone box at the bottom of the hill."
"Ok, but don't phone anyone."
And off he ran down the hill after his brothers.
I know that right now he probably has no clue about what autism is, and when he finds out there might be trouble. There will need to be further discussions and explanations. But it's a good start alhamdulillah.

2007 Update

2007-11-27T08:30:00.000Z

Obviously it has been a busy year, too busy to do any blogging. I had a run of nasty viruses, culminating in a dose of the chickenpox, in the first few months of 2007. Then I was post-virally indisposed for a few months. Sometimes walking from one room to another would leave me exhausted and shaky. Not good when you have kids to shop, cook and clean for as well as read to, educate, take to the playground, discipline, comfort and all the other things mothers do. I admit that some of those things weren't done as often as they should have been.

Things are better now. It's no small help that we have somewhere to go when we need to get away from the flat in London whose walls press on me so horribly. There is a garden there with a trampoline, and a beach nearby, and lots of lovely walks. Alhamdulillah.

Since I last was here on blogger, it was confirmed to us that Zeno is definitely somewhere on the autistic spectrum. He is having one more assessment soon which should tell us whether he is an Aspergers child or if he is somewhere else on the spectrum.

Zudie, who is now 4, is showing signs of autism although of a different kind, maybe a bit more challenging than 'just' Aspergers. His diagnosis hasn't been confirmed but the report we had from the Paediatrician is ominous and from his behaviour I would say there is little doubt that he has autism of some kind. We love our little Zudie and he is wonderful in so many ways, no doubt masha'Allah. But....yesterday we went to the local indoor play centre and I got chatting to a little boy who told me all about himself and his views on quite a few subjects, masha'Allah. I got a bit of a jolt when he told me he was four, the same age as Zudie who still speaks in gobbledegook and finds it hard to follow simple instructions. I know that children can vary wildly in their development and they will all more or less catch up by a certain age, but still....it gave me a bit of a pang.

We are back to London tomorrow for a round of appointments, but hoping to come back to Dorset in a couple of weeks insha'Allah.

Political Correctness gone mad

2006-11-19T13:59:00.000Z

while googling for organic/free-range halal meat I came across an article in the Daily Express that first slightly irritated me then made me laugh out loud....something about a well-meaning headmistress wanting the school christmas dinner to feature halal chicken, so as to be 'inclusive'. Also on the menu, I should point out, were 'sausage and bacon rolls' (or possibly sausage rolls and bacon?). Anyway, cue cries of outrage and 'pc gone mad' etc. etc. One outraged mother felt that "my religion and culture is being trampled on". So the school has to offer a non-halal main course option after all.

What made me laugh was the same mother fuming: "we bend over backwards at eid to eat THEIR food". I tried and tried to figure out what hardships or even inconveniences these brave people overcame in order to eat the sweet pastries or little snacky things that are usually on offer to non-muslims at eid. It couldn't be just reaching out your hand and lifting the food to your lips could it?

The article mentions concerns over the Halal/Kosher methods of slaughter which prohibit stunning the animal if that might kill it or otherwise affect the draining away of blood (the heart needs to be beating when the throat is cut).

There is more to halal meat than pronouncing God's name over it and draining the blood. We are told by the Prophet pbuh that the animal must be relaxed, if it is terrified you cannot slaughter it, you have to let it go. The life of the animal matters too, it is essential that the animal had a good quality of life and was treated humanely. For this reason I no longer regard chicken as halal if it is not also free-range. I don't think intensively reared chicken can ever be halal.

More Bad News from Iraq

2006-11-16T16:44:00.000Z

Bismillah arrahman irraheem

A couple of days ago a number of employees at some ministry in Baghdad were kidnapped, apparently by Iraqi police who were able to pass through several American security checkpoints both before and after the kidnap.

Not for the first time I noticed a reticence, a coyness shall we say, on the part of western reporters to spell out the fact that Sunnis were in this case victims of Shia aggression. Al-Jazeera (Arabic) broadcast interviews with witnesses who plainly said that the kidnappers checked the ID documents of all the men and released those they identified as Shi'i, and took the Sunnis away. It was later reported, again on al-Jazeera, that they were taken to the al-Sadr district, which is a Shi'i area and home of the notorious Shi'i militants called, I think, the al-Sadr Brigade. BBC and ITV however only said that they separated the men from the women and took the men.

An update today on the BBC website, which says that although some of the kidnapped men have been released, there are fears that the remaining captives have been tortured and killed. Although it makes no mention of ethnicity in this case, it goes on to say that today in Baghdad gunmen entered a bakery in a mixed (Sunni/Shi'i) neighborhood and killed those present - the reporter helpfully explains that most bakers are Shi'i and Shi'i are often targetted by Sunnis.

This obvious bias really puzzles me as I don't see what purpose it serves.

For the record, dh was in the Iraqi army a couple of decades ago. His commanding officers were Shia and made his life a misery - not because dh is Sunni (though he is), but because he has a problem with authority and was always being sent to solitary confinement for insubordination. Being a private in the army isn't an ideal job for someone like that, but since dh refused to join the ba'ath party, his career choices were limited. His commanding officers, of course, were members of the party.

No doubt Saddam dealt harshly with Shi'i who stepped out of line - but the fact is he dealt harshly with EVERYONE who defied him.

It is always claimed that the Sunnis ruled Iraq - as if every Sunni person was more powerful and wealthy than every Shi'i, Kurd or Christian. The reality is that life was hard for everyone under Saddam. Certainly dh's family suffered a lot after the 1st gulf war, when sanctions were in place.

It is not my intention to deny the massacres carried out by Saddam - but it's not as simple as saying 'sunni bad, shia good'.

A very common refrain from all Iraqis - Sunni and Shi'i alike - when they comment on the present violence is "It was never like this before, we were all good neighbors to each other, we were all brothers of one another, we worked together and married each other, there was no difference between Sunni or Shi'i". If that's how it was when Saddam was in charge, when supposedly the Sunnis held all the power, why has it changed now?

Closed Minds

2006-11-14T15:20:00.000Z

Last night in a conversation with my sister I mentioned how some people are closed minded. I wasn't referring to her or indeed any specific individual. Immediately I put the phone down I started worrying whether that is how I come across when I speak to someone who doesn't share my own deeply held beliefs.

I usually make a conscious effort when discussing Islam to say 'I believe such&such' or 'Muslims believe this...', and if discussing Christianity with a Christian I would prefer to say, for example, 'the doctrine of original sin, and the blood sacrifice of a sinless, perfect man being necessary for the salvation of the human race..... does not make sense to me, and seems unjust and illogical'; rather than '....is a load of baloney' which might seem like a knife in their heart, and cause either pain or anger if they are fervent believers in that doctrine.

However I have come across people who become very confrontational and completely stonewall you when you simply want to have an exchange of views ("YOU may believe that but THIS is the truth....). We all have to accept that our dearest, most cherished and passionately held beliefs may simply not make any sense to someone else, and be prepared not to back down or deny our faith, but allow that the other person has a right to their beliefs.

As the qur'an puts it (interpretation of meaning):

'To me my beliefs (or way of life), and to you yours." 109:6

And that's what we are commanded to say to the Kafiroon - or 'those who deny/conceal the truth'. Not fight them, which is a commonly held misconception, or even shout angrily at them. As regards those who are not denying or concealing the truth, but have not had 'the truth' presented to them in the proper way, we should speak to them, God commanded us, with 'beautiful words'.

Scaring the Neighbors

2006-11-14T14:55:00.000Z

Bismillah arrahman irraheem

yesterday in the lift with an elderly neighbor, Zeno started talking about Rumsfeld's resignation and gave her the benefit of his opinion on Dubya. When she hesitantly agreed with him, Zeno went into more detail and it was altogether an uncomfortable ride down 5 floors. As soon as the doors opened she was off like a greyhound out of the starting box.

I am trying to wean myself off the news in the morning (BBC Breakfast), more for Zeno's sake but insha'Allah there will be benefits for myself as well. There's always the papers. No, hang on - english language Al Jazeera is starting in a few days, I will surely have to check that out.

On the subject of neighbors, the ones I share a floor with are mostly elderly. and very pleasant. In fact, one Polish lady is a sort of adopted granny to the kids, she comes out of her door immediately she hears us passing and makes a fuss of them, especially Boudie. She gives us presents too, posh M&S biscuits and chocolates, and fruit, even a jacket for Zeno. However the man down the end has started ignoring me and I'm not sure why. He seems to be more frail than before (he uses a stick and moves quite slowly) and it may be something to do with that, or it may be that he told Zeno off a while ago - in fact wrongly accused him of disturbing his pot plants - and Zeno argued back. I really don't know what to do about that boy's argumentative nature. Would banning the News & political programmes/discussions help?

Enforced Inaction

2006-11-12T09:26:00.000Z

Dirty dishes in the sink; the floor (all the floors) need to be vacuumed; laundry waiting to be sorted; Zeno's arabic lesson for today needs to be put together and delivered; however, Boudie has decided that he wants to sit in my lap all morning and bursts into sobs if I put him down. Did I mention that my bladder is bursting?

Zuzu is hovering with 'The Gruffalo' (I've already read it twice this morning, as well as 'Mog and the Baby'). Zeno just got up, after another late night with his dad, and is asking for breakfast. There's a scripture on my mind that I want to hunt for, to refute something that was said to me a while ago.

Either I keep Boudie on my lap and let the dishes and everything else wait (while the will to do them slowly saps away), or I put him down and get on with things to the sound of his (ear-piercing) wailing in my ears. ah, the joys of parenthood.

2006-11-10T10:58:00.000Z

Yesterday (Thursday) was a lovely day. First off to Swiss Cottage (which is an area of NW London, not a house in the style of an alpine chalet - although there is one of those near the tube station). Met up with a friend outside the newly refurbished library & sports centre and reminisced about the old sports centre, which used to offer a Saturday session for Muslim ladies in their small swimming pool. The whole issue of modesty is hugely misunderstood by non-muslims, who manage to simultaneously hold several contradictory positions on the subject as soon as Islam or Muslims are mentioned. But enough of that for now.

From there we walked to St. John's Wood where there is a lovely children's playground (oddly enough in the middle of a cemetery). The kids ran around, climbed the wooden structures, got pushed on the swings and generally had a fine old time while us 2 mums caught up with our news.

We walked to the nearby Central Mosque for lunch in their basement restaurant - my friend is not a Muslim and was a bit hesitant at first at the idea of going to the mosque, but I managed to persuade her that it would be fine. And thank God it was - mosques are public buildings and meant to be welcoming to non-Muslims, but unfortunately you will sometimes come across the odd screwball with time on his hands hanging around dying to assert his imaginary authority. There were lots of people at the masjid but no screwballs thank God and we had a nice lunch, until my youngest 2 started running around the restaurant causing havoc so we tidied up and left. There was plenty of food left so we packed it up and took it with us - it's haram (forbidden) to waste food.

We parted outside the masjid and I walked the kids home - it's a bit of a walk but I do love walking, even though Zeno complained almost all the way home that he was 'tired' - funny that because the minute we got home he was tearing up and down the hallway with the toy buggy, and bouncing off the walls. As usual. Zudie and Boudie were also pretty lively for a while but had an early night.

Abuzeno is studying at the moment for his PCV and LGV theory tests so I went over some questions with him until my voice gave out. But he's doing well masha'Allah I think he will pass the tests without a problem.

Right now, Friday 1pm - Boudie (22 mo) is having a nap, Zudie (3yo) is playing and Zeno is doing some maths. we're working specifically on sums involving money, and learning the time. I thought he would learn to tell the time a lot quicker than this but, alhamdulillah anyway, it's a bit of a slow process. Although he is very bright masha'Allah, he only concentrates if it is something that interests him - and maths just doesn't interest him. When we started home educating I thought we would do an hour of maths, an hour of science, etc. etc. Well that didn't work. He lost interest after about 2 minutes and thereafter refused to cooperate despite threats and bribes. These days (2 years later) we spend 10 or 20 minutes on each subject. But then throughout the day we talk about different things and a lot of learning takes place informally, as they say.

I can't believe what a compulsive talker he is - at his age you would have been lucky to get 2 words out of me, but a constant stream of words come out of Zeno's mouth, and he provides a running commentary along with everything he does. I still don't like talking overmuch, and what with this non-stop conversation going on, as well as 2 lively toddlers currently in the throes of potty-training, I find it a bit stressful not to have any time for just sitting and thinking. insha'Allah that'll be something for my old age.

2006-11-07T16:57:00.000Z

I must be mad starting a blog considering I hardly have time to wipe my nose when I have a cold. Also my life is incredibly boring, consisting mostly of the usual day-to-day stuff of looking after 2 toddlers (3yo & nearly 2) and home-educating a 7yo who starts talking the minute he opens his eyes in the morning and doesn't stop all day no matter what he's doing. however - this blog is mainly for myself, as a sort of diary which I will no doubt find riveting some day (perhaps when the kids are grown up insha'Allah) and also as I do actually enjoy the process of writing. so if you're reading this and you're not one of the 4 or 5 people mentioned here you will probably be bored witless - don't say you weren't warned.

I became a home educator reluctantly. My eldest, Zeno, just didn't settle in at school, although I was enjoying the PTA meetings and fund-raisers and was considering becoming a parent-governer. I had been the treasurer of Zeno's pre-school, also I do have a nursery teaching qualification so you could say I was personally a big fan of school education for the very young.

Sadly Zeno didn't agree. He hated school from the start. He went to pre-school from the age of 3. Mums were encouraged to stay around and help out, so I was there with him about 80% of the time anyway, and he enjoyed it. But then we moved to a different area of London and after a 5 month wait he started at the local state nursery (attached to the junior school). It was a big old place, with 'proper' teachers (his was particularly severe and distant), and it definitely didn't want mums around. I was allowed to stay with him for the first week and then politely but firmly told they didn't want me around. He went there for 2 terms before moving up to Reception class. By now I was having to almost literally drag him to school, crying and sobbing. I knew he was a bright boy, masha'Allah, and really (really) wanted him to love school.

He was now full-time (9.00am - 3.30pm) and I was getting lots done at home - not only was I studying a couple of subjects I had really wanted to do, but my house had never been so clean and my life so organised. BUT, there was no joy in any of this because it was all at the expense of leaving my distraught child at the place he hated for 6 & a half hours a day. While I waited outside the classroom to collect him at 3.30, I noticed how he sat slightly apart from the other children, plucking his lip nervously. The unhappiness was obvious in his eyes, his expression, his whole demeanor. He was a picture of misery. I couldn't leave him there any longer. I de-registered him one month after his 5th birthday, and though I sometimes wish he had liked school better, I don't regret making the decision to home educate him.